Posted on February 14, 2010 - by Cate

Crossroads

I don’t know if this is true for most women, but I find myself, at the age of 48 (just turned) at a crossroads on several fronts.

I am sending off my youngest to college this fall, and while I’m happy for her and know she’s ready for this next step, I’m wondering how I’m going to handle the “empty nest”? I’ve still got a list a mile long regarding the house. I’ve put off countless pursuits (yoga classes and book clubs and museum memberships and photography classes) in order to spend these last couple of years with the kids. Soon I’ll be able to turn more of my attention to me and I think I’ve forgotten how to actually do that. I know I’ll never stop being a mom, that they come back, that they still need you, but I also know it will be different. Am I still a mom when they’re not here? Who am I? I just want to continue to be relevant and useful to them, even when they’re not here.

I am questioning my career and wondering if it’s time to make a change. I took some career testing which revealed that I’m restless and won’t be satisfied continuing on just with my current work. That I should be publishing and that has led me to blogging as a first experimental step. So I’m exploring my options and allowing myself to consider, for the first time, career decisions, just for me. With two kids in college, I’ll be arriving at decisions slowly, until I know for sure their college careers are financially secured. Initially my thoughts turn to, are you nuts, we’re in the middle of a terrible recession! But I can’t help feeling excited, like I have something to look forward to!

I believe that both physically and emotionally I need to get serious about my weight. As I mentioned in a previous post, the first big step to that is opening my eyes at my physical for the first time in 15 years to see what I really weigh. Yes, that’s right, I’ve avoided looking at the scale for that long. So two weeks ago, I did just that. And I was shocked and deeply disappointed in myself. For about 24 hours I was very angry. But then I asked myself, what’s the difference between yesterday and today? You’re the same person, the same weight. Why do you want to lose weight? So I began thinking in terms of numbers and that set me back. How am I going to lose 30 pounds? The number, the number. Why do you want to lose weight, I asked myself again? To feel better and look better. How do I know what number that equals? How will you know until you try? Firstborn is home for the weekend. I think I’ll have her finally show me how to use the Wii Fit…

In spite of all this personal uncertainty, I really believe there is opportunity in change. It’s all in the way you choose to feel. Sometimes I lose sight of this and am filled with anxiety. But who wants to feel anxious all the time?